the computer screen makes my eyes hurt
eyes that see double because of the soul splitting headache that rages behind them
and sometimes more when involuntary tears blur the mirror images
into triplets and quartets
and i try to forget that which makes the tears fall by hiding like a coward behind the pain
in my brain because it is endless
and it is easy to hide within an infinity of any kind
but the numbness in my chest is not born of the headache,
but of a heartache long denied
and i refuse to cry
because liquid in my eyes
is lubrication for the machinations of weakness
and i have been too strong for too long to stop now
but the bottom is falling out
and i don’t know how far down this hole goes
but I’m holding my nose and screaming “Geronimo!”
because I may be stubborn, but there is no arguing with gravity
and when one considers the depravity of denying yourself emotions
It seems my devotion to falling is explicable
feeling powerless and or suppressed can all be neatly summed up as depressed
that is if you refuse to look closer
maybe i just want to be weightless
floating.
untouchable, un-phased
trapped no more in the perpetual haze of the things I do to clear my head
Or the nonsense I scream into the pillows on my bed
which I use as a metaphor for my life by never making it.
Perpetually left in a state of being unmade
I am a one woman parade of disorganized chaos and artistic catastrophe
I desperately need someone to slap me
or pinch my cheeks to yank me back into reality
Because one way or another, I am slipping away.
Every day there is less of me
and though my body seems intact,
my spirit is evaporating
my facade of perfection deactivating
they tied bombs to my soul
and gave the launch codes to a spiteful father time
who never fails to remind that it could only be a matter of minutes until my complete undoing unfolds like the wings on a badly made paper crane,
and that I’m far more delicate.
A fragile piece of a much larger puzzle
but my own emotional retardation is acting as a muzzle,
and I can’t express the beauty of our interconnectedness,
because while I see it,
I feel too alone to believe it
and I can’t find the words to describe a truth that I can not experience
So I am left a very general weariness
and I desire to be
floating.
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